Here is a list of things that have worked for me so far:
1) Say “good morning” to as many people as possible. Hell, just speak to people as you move about your day. Most of the time, your greeting will be reciprocated. If not, then let the elevator close on their asses. Screw ’em.
2) Don’t explain yourself or your choices to anybody. Ever. Unless, of course, you’ve been institutionalized. Or, you’re wearing an ankle monitor.
3) Hug people often. Especially people who are pissed at you. It disarms them, and allows you time to pick their pockets.
4) Listen to loud music in the car, and sing along. While at red lights, turn to the car next to you and sing to them. If your life is awesome and sparkly like mine, then 9 times out of 10, they will sing with you. It’s. FUCKING. AWESOME.
5) Hold someone’s baby. Then, and here’s the important part, give it back. Ahhhh… see?
6) Sit. Your entire. Ass. Down. Somewhere. And SHUT. UP.
7) Stop volunteering for shit all the time. You’re being used, can’t you see that? If you collapsed at one of the thousand functions you’ve committed to, you think they’d care? No. They’d just roll your big ass up under the hors d’oeuvre table and keep it moving.
8) Be open to new shit. Try sushi. No? You don’t wanna try it? Because it tastes nasty? Dude. You just said you’ve never tried it, and now you’re saying… you know what? Fuck it. I don’t even know why I came here with your dumb ass in the first place. You can just sit here, at this expensive-ass Japanese restaurant and order a hamburger if you want to. Make a fool out of yourself – I don’t care. TAXI?!
9) Travel. And no, your bi-annual trek to Kosciusko, Mississippi in a hot ass car for your family reunion doesn’t count. Oh, I’m sure it feels like a third world country, and at times you aren’t quite sure if they’re speaking the same language as you, but, I’m sayin’ though… take your ass to a place that requires a passport and some shots.
10) Stop lying to yourself about your past. Yeah. You did something nasty, or illegal, or (God forbid) highly immoral back in college. Welp… no worries. You paid that llama farmer handsomely for his silence, and the VHS tapes were all damaged in Katrina… except that one…
11) Love your fat ass. And all your rolls. Yasss, girl. Now, go out and buy some clothes that fit. And comb your hair. Put on some makeup. Stop wearing your little sister’s shoes, and shit. Wrap those thighs in some lycra before you put on that sundress.
12) And after all that shit in 11, take your ass to the gym. Cute matters not, if your cholesterol is high as all Hell.
13) Read. Everything. Inform yourself about your community and the world in which your cute, fly ass moves and lives and breathes. Learn about your environment. Find out why things work the way they do. If for no other reason then to make your Facebook statuses sound better.
14) Listen to what people don’t say. You can save yourself a whole lot of heartache if you just PAY. ATTENTION.
15) Look at some pretty shit. A flower, a painting, a mountain. No. Not an ice grill. Are you SERIOUS, right now, B? That’s as pretty as it gets for you, Dawg? I mean, something timeless, eternal. Something that makes your ice grill wearing ass feel small and insignificant, yet infinite and boundless at the same time. Yeah. THAT.
I’m telling y’all… this is working for me.