How To Be Happy – A Working List

Here is a list of things that have worked for me so far:

 

1) Say “good morning” to as many people as possible. Hell, just speak to people as you move about your day. Most of the time, your greeting will be reciprocated. If not, then let the elevator close on their asses. Screw ’em.

2) Don’t explain yourself or your choices to anybody. Ever. Unless, of course, you’ve been institutionalized. Or, you’re wearing an ankle monitor.

3) Hug people often. Especially people who are pissed at you. It disarms them, and allows you time to pick their pockets.

4) Listen to loud music in the car, and sing along. While at red lights, turn to the car next to you and sing to them. If your life is awesome and sparkly like mine, then 9 times out of 10, they will sing with you. It’s. FUCKING. AWESOME.

5) Hold someone’s baby. Then, and here’s the important part, give it back. Ahhhh… see?

6)  Sit. Your entire. Ass. Down. Somewhere. And SHUT. UP.

7) Stop volunteering for shit all the time. You’re being used, can’t you see that? If you collapsed at one of the thousand functions you’ve committed to, you think they’d care? No. They’d just roll your big ass up under the hors d’oeuvre table and keep it moving.

8) Be open to new shit. Try sushi. No? You don’t wanna try it? Because it tastes nasty? Dude. You just said you’ve never tried it, and now you’re saying… you know what? Fuck it. I don’t even know why I came here with your dumb ass in the first place. You can just sit here, at this expensive-ass Japanese restaurant and order a hamburger if you want to. Make a fool out of yourself – I don’t care. TAXI?!

9) Travel. And no, your bi-annual trek to Kosciusko, Mississippi in a hot ass car for your family reunion doesn’t count. Oh, I’m sure it feels like a third world country, and at times you aren’t quite sure if they’re speaking the same language as you, but, I’m sayin’ though… take your ass to a place that requires a passport and some shots.

10) Stop lying to yourself about your past. Yeah. You did something nasty, or illegal, or (God forbid) highly immoral back in college. Welp… no worries. You paid that llama farmer handsomely for his silence, and the VHS tapes were all damaged in Katrina… except that one…

11) Love your fat ass. And all your rolls. Yasss, girl. Now, go out and buy some clothes that fit. And comb your hair. Put on some makeup. Stop wearing your little sister’s shoes, and shit. Wrap those thighs in some lycra before you put on that sundress.

12) And after all that shit in 11, take your ass to the gym. Cute matters not, if your cholesterol is high as all Hell.

13) Read. Everything. Inform yourself about your community and the world in which your cute, fly ass moves and lives and breathes. Learn about your environment. Find out why things work the way they do. If for no other reason then to make your Facebook statuses sound better.

14) Listen to what people don’t say. You can save yourself a whole lot of heartache if you just PAY. ATTENTION.

15) Look at some pretty shit. A flower, a painting, a mountain. No. Not an ice grill. Are you SERIOUS, right now, B? That’s as pretty as it gets for you, Dawg? I mean, something timeless, eternal. Something that makes your ice grill wearing ass feel small and insignificant, yet infinite and boundless at the same time. Yeah. THAT.

I’m telling y’all… this is working for me.

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The Government is Giving Us the Finger – And You Should Be Worried

You all know what the Hell I’m talking about.

Well, at least you should.

Okay – in the unlikely event that there is some hood rat out there who was struck by a hurled Hennessey bottle at the club last night, and can’t remember shit, here’s a quick wrap-up.

Just for you, Na-QuayShalandra.

A while back, Congress passed a bill into law called the Affordable Health Care Act.

It was signed into law in 2010.

But the GOP (Republicans), led by a small faction of Tea Party Republicans, decided to make sure that the act was never implemented.

No, seriously – these guys have made it their mission to destroy this legislation – even though it was already passed, and went into effect a few weeks ago.

Now, you would think that this would be the end, right? The bill was passed, signed into law, and is actually being implemented.

Non (in angry French accent).

What happened next? A group of whiny, petulant old coots decided that they’d rather shut down the government then see this piece of legislation continue.

“Defund Obamacare, or we’ll shut this WHOLE THING DOWN.”

That’s what they said.

And that’s what they did.

And today, we are a little over two weeks into this bullshit.

Now, you’re all caught up.

Of course, everybody on the various social media sites has an opinion about this mess. Since Congress and other Federal institutions went dark, I’ve seen all kinds of opinions – most of which I promptly ignored.

But one in particular caught my attention, and quite frankly, concerned me.

It goes kinda like this… wait. I need a big, Black, woman in a choir robe to moan in the background. Hold on… 

(goes and gets big Black woman, sets her in her spotlight)

There.

Now, the opinion that I heard goes like this:

Black folk BEEN struggling. Ain’t nothin’ different in The Hood. Finally, everybody’s gon’ know what it’s like to hustle every day… blah, blah, blah.

Sounds real slick.

Until those EBT cards stop working.

See, this is more than just a few closed parks and zoos.

In reality, there appears to be no end in sight for this shutdown. And day after day, more programs (read: more people) are being affected. More stories are marching down my Twitter feed about friends and family who are having to live off of the last pay check they received. Sure, they’ve been reassured that they will receive back pay once they go back to work.

But when will that happen? In a week? Two? FOUR?

So, what actually IS affected? Check it out:

Homeland Security – I guess folks in The Hood wouldn’t really care about this, since they don’t ever leave the block. As for the rest of us, get ready for LONG ASS LINES in TSA, since many of their agents have been laid off. Get to the airport earlier than usual.

Center for Disease Control – you know those flu shots your Hood kids gotta get to go to school? Shut down. Since CDC has had to lay off a bunch of employees, they have a reduced ability to detect outbreaks. So, if the zombie apocalypse decides to happen this week, that’s our COLLECTIVE ASSES.

The WIC program: Closed. Yeah. Let that marinate in your spirit for a second. Some states have supplemental funds to help fill in the gaps (for only about a week), but not all. So, you may wanna check on what your state is doing. Then go and buy yo Baby Mama some damn groceries, while you’re out here talking shit.

Listen, People. Congress is COUNTING on the fact that people aren’t paying attention. Ask any hustler – it’s easier to steal when your mark isn’t looking. It’s time out for just looking at our fucked up surroundings, shrugging, and writing a rap song about it.

No WONDER nobody on The Hill takes anybody in The Hood seriously. Because on important issues like this shutdown, we are silent. Since we don’t see how these decisions are affecting us, we believe that there is no affect.

But that’s what they want us to think. That this government shutdown is only affecting zoos and museums. And some of y’all are buying into that, but nothing could be further from the truth.

Millions of people have been laid off, with no hope of a paycheck, while members of Congress are throwing rich, white-man-sized tantrums.

And still getting paid.

It’s the Fuck You heard ’round the world. 

And quite possibly, the beginning of a greasy, butt-naked slide into an economic shit pile, the likes of which we’ve never SEEN before.

All because some Republicans don’t want to cooperate.

Hey… you can stay on your front porch, laughing and smoking Loud and not giving a damn if you want.

I will not.