10 Reasons Why it Sucks to be an Artist

Being a musical artist is awesome. Most days, it feels like…

Like…

Having a really expensive, and exclusive restaurant all to yourself for your birthday.

And the chef is like, the best in the entire GALAXY, but he has a reputation for being a real dick. And he hates everybody.

But he likes you. And he just made all of your favorite foods for you and all the people in your life who you actually like.

Yeah. Just like that.

But on other days, being an artist is awful. No, really. It’s like…

Well…

Like looking forward to that lasagna you brought to work for lunch, then walking into the break room and seeing that guy from the mail room finishing it off. And he doesn’t even try to hide that shit when he sees you. He’s all:

And you just gotta stand there and act like everything’s cool, cuz dude just got outta jail for stomping some other dude in the parking lot of Walmart.

Or something like that.

Okay, so… why? Why does having the talent to pull entire masterpieces out of your ass sometimes feel like dying inside? Well…

1) People don’t want to see artists grow, or try new things. If they do, they will be attacked on every blog comment, review, interview, raggedy-ass cable-access-basement-broadcast… mostly by non-artists who have NO FUCKING IDEA what they’re talking about.

2) God forbid if an artist is so good at what he/she does that he/she makes it look easy – because then, a whole slew of talentless hacks will think they can do what that artist does, only better. Said artist will get unsolicited advice from these people non stop – suggestions for new projects, or (even worse), shit they would’ve done differently with that track/vocal arrangement/lyric.

3) The world is full of lazy people who want the accolades an artist has, without putting in the work. So, they plagiarize. And no – this shit is NOT the highest form of flattery. It is THEFT. Fuck outta here…

4) People become really attached to an artist’s work. This, in and of itself, is not bad. But then there are the crazies…

5) (this goes with #4) Some artists’ work is so timeless, that many people associate their songs with a special time in their lives. They associate the artist with that time as well. Their work reminds them of childhood/high school/college/first love when shit was good. So, artist, you better sing only the hits you had before 1994, cuz I didn’t pay $75 of my hard-earned money to hear some shit I can’t sing along to. I’m looking at YOU, Prince. Don’t you walk away when I’m talking…

Anyway…

6) Muhfuggahs always want you to get the band back together. Screw the fact that y’all ain’t talked in over 15 years, the drummer had a stroke and can’t speak anshit, the lead guitarist is in rehab, and the lead singer lives on a farm and raises goats.

7) As an artist, you can never make a mistake. Don’t you dare hit a bad note, slip and fall, lose a wig, forget your words, or wear a bad outfit. Cuz these folks are RELENTLESS. Although…

There are ALWAYS exceptions.

8) Artists can never grow old. God forbid you just let nature take its course, and remind your most devoted followers how old they REALLY are. Don’t you let your face (or other parts) sag…. listen. Don’t make me pull that Aretha picture back out. Cuz I’ll do it. You KNOW I will.

9) Don’t ever get any “work” done. You know… to keep from looking like you’re growing old. You just need to look good. All the fucking time. Cuz, genes. Damned if you do, blah, blah, blah…

10) Don’t go on hiatus. EVER. Like, EVER. You stay gone for too long, people will leave. And when you come back, folks will ignore you like…

Oh.

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