Kitty Litter Cake: Or, That One Time A Dessert Made Me Cuss A Blue Streak

You’ve Gotta Be Kidding Me, Fam.

Why?

Why are people so horrible?

Why does this even exist? Why do people give air time to this vile urge? Allow it to sidle up close to them in their dark bedrooms, open its fangs and whisper it’s hot, yeasty breath into their ears:

You know what would be cute? A cake that looks like a dirty litter box. Wouldn’t that be clever? Huh? Wouldn’t it?

You see, I have to believe that this idea was demonically inspired. I have to, y’all. Cuz otherwise…

Otherwise, some of y’all think it’s cute to create edible treats that closely resemble really bad things.

The first time I ever heard of such a thing as Kitty Litter Cake, I was at a gathering at a friend’s…

Pause. I’m not friends with ANYONE who would do this.

So, I was at this chick’s house. It was one of those pot luck thingies, which I try to avoid, for the most part.

Cuz people be diggin’ in their noses and what not.

So, picture me – hovering around the table, trying to figure out a polite way to ask, “who made this?” without sounding like THAT aunty at the cookout. You know the one – with the Newport hanging from her lip with the long ash? The one who always shows up with some random dude wearing an undershirt, basketball shorts, Adidas sandals with athletic socks? The one who opens cans of Pabst with them long yellow fingernails? The one in the too-tight sundress with no bra?

HER.

Anyway, that’s when that chick showed up and put that damn litter box on the table.

Fam. She MOVED OVER SOME OTHER DISHES and put it there. Right there. Amidst the regular food. A real litter box, Children.

It was quickly explained to me (I suppose my horrified look caused someone to come over and talk me off the ledge) that its contents were composed of crumbled pieces of yellow/white cake, with pieces of melted Twix or something, made to resemble pieces of cat shit.

I nodded and attempted a smile, while inside my head I was all:

Oh… and she brought a real cat litter scoop for people to help themselves. Cuz, consistency.

The nopiest of all nope.

Listen. There are SO many things wrong with this whole concept. First of all, the obvious – why would someone even design a food item to resemble a toilet and its contents?

Second… I would’ve liked to be at the first unveiling of this foolishness. I mean, how exactly did that go?

Cat Lady: *places litter box on table and looks on proudly, saying nothing*

Cat Lady’s guests: *grab coats and leave hurriedly, mumbling half-finished excuses as they push through the door*

Oh, and Third: So, y’all just gon’ look at a litter box full of shit and think: you know what would be delicious…?

Next Point – I have cats. As a result, I also have a litter box. One which I am CONSTANTLY cleaning. So excuse me if, when I see your contribution to the office party, I gag and run out of the room. I’m sure you’re a nice lady, and probably a fantastic friend to those you love. And that was really nice of you to put forth the effort (and I’m sure it’s appreciated). But NO, Ma’am. Not even at gunpoint. Not even if you know Jesus.

And lastly – You know, I  wouldn’t have fought the air and wept if y’all were just putting it in a regular cake pan with, like, a normal serving spoon. But y’all just HAD to push it, didn’t you? Y’all went to the pet supply store and bought a real life, standard issue shit box and pooper scoop, and put a perfectly good cake in there. I know what y’all were thinking. “It’s a brand new litter box. It’s clean.”

So, y’all cool with me bringing a brand new potty training toilet to the next function and filling it with, say, sweet tea? Or, even better, sangria (for all you ladies)? I mean, if that’s cool with you, it’s whatever, Fam.

(somebody is reading this and thinking, “that’s a cool idea!’)

But y’all do me a favor. You keep that devilment away from me.

I’m so serious.

Still love y’all, though.

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