And now, it’s time for everybody’s favorite (prolly)…
Why We Can’t Hang Out – Like, Ever!
1) At one time or another, you have used the phrase, “grown and sexy.”
2) You think Cheesecake Factory is an expensive restaurant.
3) Other people’s good fortune pisses you off.
4) Or, you deliberately flaunt YOUR good fortune, to piss OTHER people off.
5) You care too much about what other people think. But you’re ALWAYS saying you don’t. Which means you do, actually. Sorry.
6) You don’t own a nice suit. And by nice suit, I mean… NOT those no-collar, 19 buttons, knee-length jacket-having monstrosities some of y’all insist on keeping around. Dude. Unless you play Smooth Jazz for a living… Stop it.
7) You read “Malcolm X” because of the movie.
8) Your idea of a “deep” conversation is contemplating which celebrity is in the Illuminati.
9) You’ve touched my hair without permission.
10) Your entire life is just an obstacle course in which you run, full tilt, from drama to drama. Get. The ENTIRE. Hell. Away from me.
11) You borrowed one of my books, and brought it back all beaten up to be damned. True story.
12) You repeatedly post videos of young people fighting on Facebook.
13) You said, “Let’s be friends!” only after one conversation with me. Come on, man. That’s just… creepy.
14) Your idea of “conversation” is you talking, all the FUCKING TIME, with me just sitting there, contemplating faking a stroke just so I can GET OUTTA THERE.
15) You don’t “get” The Matrix.
16) In fact, you have ZERO imagination, and talk derisively about my affinity for movies based on comic books.
17) You don’t respect my muhfuggin authoritaaah.
18) You can’t quote Yoda, nor do you believe that you can apply Jedi teachings to your own life.
19) You’ve never seen a Bruce Lee movie. SON. SERIOUSLY?!
20) You’re always trying to “teach” me something. With yo’ dumb ass.
21) You’ve come for somebody on Facebook. Okay, do you even realize how WEAK that is? And how hard we are all laughing at your QWERTY courage?
22) You can’t insert relevant song lyrics into a conversation.
23) You can’t quote The Color Purple.
24) You’re too serious all the time. Come on, Sis. You wanna talk about the horrors of puppy mills? Now? You not even gon’ wait until we finish our food, Ma’am?
25) You keep cracking your knuckles around me, even AFTER I told you that shit freaks me out and makes me wanna run, screaming, down the street.